searsblindly | ♎ 1ST HANGING[TEXT/AUDIO/ACTION FOR NEW BARK TOWN] ♎

Current Location: New Bark Town

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♎ 1ST HANGING[TEXT/AUDIO/ACTION FOR NEW BARK TOWN] ♎

H(W DU U
WSUT
WAIT
I CNT
NP STP
HW DI I WORK THUS STPID THNG
WHY CNT I
OH HELL NO
WHRE IX TH#
MYBE UF I

[There's a lot of clunk sounds suddenly and a lot of angry muttering on the other end.]

THIS TASTES METALLIC AND GROSS AND NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. MAYBE MY TONGUE TURNED OFF? IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? HOW DO THESE BUTTONS WORK? WHAT IS THIS THING? WHERE IS MY CANE?

WHERE AM I? [That mumbling has turned more into yelling and it sounds like she isn't even aware that its recording.] THIS WORLD SMELLS LIKE NOTHING. A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

[If you're in New Bark Town, you'll probably see a girl sitting on the ground with her Dratini. She's shaking her Gear like that will actually do something. Otherwise, she looks really upset right about now. She keeps patting the area around her whenever she tries to pet her Dratini. Honestly, she keeps missing that damn thing completely. How do function in real life?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You think so highly of me! Should I be charmed?

You are the weird ones! You aren't exactly what we were expecting when we created your universe after all! It's nothing like Alternia.

And now you're making fun of my abilities again! I am hurt. Again!

You should be, yeah. I don't think highly of just anybody.

I consider it a goddamn blessing that Earth ain't anything like Alternia. From what I hear, it's a strict fucking regime- and I mean that literally, you guys and your goddamn pails. It's disturbing. And this is coming from the guy who runs a puppet porno site.

Again, you'll be fine.

Swooning. So much swag. I cannot handle it!

Pails are much more convenient than what I'm hearing about your human ways. And your skin is all stupid and soft!

[Wait.] Puppet porno?

Swoon harder, I can't feel it.

And wow, no. Pails aren't more convenient. How is it more convenient than being able to dumb it right into the source?

Yes. Puppet porno. Pornography with beautiful, plush rumped puppets.

We don't have your human birthing process!

Those things that were sitting in the apartment right?

Well tell me more about your birth process. The only thing I ever really picked up is that it involves buckets, a mother thing or whatever, and sounds vaguely incestuous if I remember right.

And yeah, those. Those beautiful creatures. I love them.

Buckets is where the genetic material go into and you must be referring to the Mother Grubs!

They were funny! But they tastes great on my screen.

Y'know I still don't fucking understand it. Why do they go in buckets? Wouldn't it be easier to just like... I dunno, fuck the 'Mother Grub' directly?

Smuppets are fucking awesome, there's nothing funny about them.

But you're right, they do taste good.

I'm pretty sure that would be a rather heinous act! Plus, you'd still be doing that in front of the Imperial Drones! Gross!

I really like the red and orange ones! Those were my favorite.

Really? Wouldn't the mother grub want some privacy if she's gonna be doing some fucking?

And hey, I could make you some if you wanted me to. Neutral coloured ones, so that it ain't insensitive. I could have 'em ready in less than a day if you wanted. Hell, I could get you a whole fuckin' pile of 'em.

I don't think you know much about troll reproduction.

I want a red one! [Dave will hate you so much.] You'd be more insensitive by not giving me such a vibrant and lovely smuppet like the ones in your hive!

Considering I'm not a fucking troll, that would be an accurate assumption.

[Bro just lets out a small, light scoff.]

You know you don't make any sense, but sure thing. Red smuppet coming right the hell up. Whenever I get my ass around to it, anyway.

I make total sense! You just don't have the thinkpan capacity to understand me. I will show it to Dave all the time when it is finished!

Oh, okay. Blame my thinkpan, yeah. That's real nice of you. I'm so offended right now, and maybe even a little hurt. Why would you do that to me?

You don't think I am not hurt by your inability to understand me? I am very hurt! You have also hurt my precious feelings!

Your precious feefees will be fine, I think it's mine that won't ever recover! My poor, delicate little feefees. Ugh. I could fuckin' cry.

I would love to hear you cry! Please cry, Dave's lusus! I will have successfully made Dave and you cry. That would leave me with only one other Strider!

When did you make Dave cry? Is there something I should know about?

Well, okay, technically I wasn't the one that made him cry! And I am pretty sure he was crying because of onions!

No one really cries over onions, he was probably just using that as an excuse to cover up the fact he actually was crying. What the hell did you do to him?

Well the Nakodiles were trying to cook him in a pot! But they're nakodiles and not all that bright!

I was helping him swindle their boonbucks!

[Squints.]

They were trying to cook him and you were swindling their boonbucks. What are you two, Bonnie and Clyde?

I have no idea who Bonnie and Clyde is so I will just answer with yes!!!

I hope to god you're the getaway driver.

Obviously! Who wouldn't put the blind chick in the driver's seat?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

♎ 1ST HANGING[TEXT/AUDIO/ACTION FOR NEW BARK TOWN] ♎

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